I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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