new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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