I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
