You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
