i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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