I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
