My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
