You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Boobs speak an international language.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
