My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
