listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize