dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
