Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
