so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
