The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
