Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
