im drinking this country out of the recession.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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