I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
