you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
