the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
