My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
