I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize