then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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