Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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