I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
