Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
zippers are such a cool invention
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize