she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
