If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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