She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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