She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize