I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
