i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
