We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
