My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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