Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I want to fling myself into the sun
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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