dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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