Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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