I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg šš
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You told him he ācould park his dick in your garageā.
Well he didnāt. It shouldnāt be this hard to get a penis.
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