I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
