On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
