My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
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