Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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