it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
