I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
