This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
