Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
As shirtless as possible
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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