remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
