Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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