im having a threesome with these popsicles
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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