did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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