On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
