i already hear my dad disowning me
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
