Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
