I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize