I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
