Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
