ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
