I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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