you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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