I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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