Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
