he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
