maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
