Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
