im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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