i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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