so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
