dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We left an ass print on the piano.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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