I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
