I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I could make wine with my vomit
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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