I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
