So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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