My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
