hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
