I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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