Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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