I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
